Honest Faith: What I’ve Learned

I should confess upfront that my journey to faith has really been a journey through faith. But then, if you know your scriptures, most all the biblical characters journeyed through their faith too. Some people just do it better than others. The one common thread though is that we cannot fathom a world without God. It is the core of who we are and what we know is truth.

My faith journey began as a newly married, twenty-something attending the church of the apocalyptic paster, teacher, writer, Hal Lindsey. I will say that it was a lot. Probably not where my journey should have started. All I understood then was that bible prophecies were being fulfilled, and I would most likely never have a chance to accomplish all in life that I hoped and dreamed of, not to mention having children, given that the second coming of Christ was imminent.

Honest Faith Requires Patience

As the years went by and I grew in my faith, I came to understand that every generation has thought that the second coming is imminent – would happen in their lifetime. In understanding that we truly have no idea when and where we, individually or collectively, will meet God in person, the bigger pursuit for me continues to be living each day as Christ-like as possible seeking a virtuous life. It is a daily struggle of awareness. A constant wanting of surety. And still, I have seen the days turn into months and the months turn into years. Literally years. Mankind is still here. Christ has not yet returned. There is still much work to be done here on Earth.

Often, we hear that doubt is the antithesis of faith. I will boldly state that doubt is not faithlessness. Doubt gives space to breathe and consider our faith, which is more than belief. It is trust wherein we must consider the proclamation that “faith is the assurance of things hope for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)  I find my honest faith is hope in my ability to grab onto the biblical teachings that challenge my mind, my imagination. It takes audacity to willingly raise questions that appear controversial to doctoral teachings. But why should we suppress our questions? Who among us should tell us no? It is in the questioning that I hope to find myself at rest with God. It is through the pursuit of knowledge that I look for answers journeying onward continuing to grow in my faith and ability to trust.

Not All Questions Have Answers…Yet

During the course of four decades, I have read countless books – devotionals, study guides of every sort, fiction and non-fiction, and various translations of the Bible. I have attended different churches and listened to a range of pastors – all gifted with a heart for God each in their own way. You would think that the accumulated knowledge should be enough to solidify my faith. But the honest truth is that my faith continues to unfold, and I know that I am in good company. Take David in Psalms 13. David’s many questions directed towards God are desperate and longing. There is no reason to think that people today don’t face similar struggles in their faith journey – just a modern version of David’s perhaps. His prayer does not end with answers to his questions. He simply chooses to trust. He chooses faith.

I have experienced faith differently in the many seasons of my life. To me faith is change – a transformative force. The prolific writer and theologian, Frederick Buechner observes in Wishful Thinking that, “Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going but going anyway. A journey without maps." (30)

I have been reading The Second Mountain in bite-size pieces, making notes and highlighting many poignant thoughts that David Brooks shares about his own faith journey. He says that “…nothing is dismissed as too outrageous. When you’ve tied yourself to a spirit that you can’t comprehend, nothing shocks you anymore, but everything brings you into a state of awe and wonder.” (252)

It is in this state of awe and wonder that I will continue to rest. I have never experienced an audible Moses-Burning-Bush encounter with God but do listen carefully to those who share that they have. I would like to think that the directives in my head are His but perhaps they simply are mine. In spite of this, if I look backward, I can clearly see God’s expert chess moves with my life. It’s been a game skillfully played, and I welcome His continued hold on me – for not giving up on me.

On the inside cover of one of my bibles I wrote down something years ago spoken by one of my favorite pastors. His words have stayed with me, not just because I wrote them down, but because they still make me consider their truth. He said, “Whatever you believe, death is your final test.”  

As for me, I believe in the God of the Bible. I have tied myself to His spirit in search of my honest faith. I am still learning. I am still questioning. I am still studying for my final exam.